


And to All a Good Firearm (Ho Ho Ho)

by AuroraNova



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Christmas, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 23:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16963635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraNova/pseuds/AuroraNova
Summary: Jack's team gangs up on him again. Over a Christmas movie, of all things, and yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Jack is sticking to his machine gun on this one.





	And to All a Good Firearm (Ho Ho Ho)

They said you learned something new every day. Jack figured he was above average in terms of picking up knowledge, due in no small part to Daniel and Carter’s efforts to educate him in their respective fields. So far today, he’d learned from Daniel that Quebecois curses tended to revolve around sacrilegious appropriation of Catholicism, and also that pharaohs used to jerk off into the Nile every year in a fertility ritual. Why Daniel felt he needed to know this particular fact, Jack couldn’t begin to guess.

Carter, meanwhile, had explained why they couldn’t use solar power for a mission to Mars barring great breakthroughs in solar technology. In typical Carter fashion, she was heavier on the details than strictly required. Jack was used to it by now. The gist of the problem seemed to be that keeping people alive on the trip would require too many solar cells to be remotely practical. Naquadah was much more promising, she said. Jack didn’t think NASA would be seeing naquadah any time soon.

Now, as they sat down for lunch, he learned another tidbit about his 2IC: she loved the claymation Christmas specials.

“Is this another of your holiday traditions?” asked Teal’c. He’d spent the previous Christmas confused as hell over everything the humans around him did, and Jack couldn’t blame him. Some of it was pretty bizarre, once you stopped to think about it. If Santa was going to fly around in a sleigh, you’d think he at least used animals with wings to get it off the ground. Reindeer? Someone had been hitting the spiked eggnog a little too hard when they came up with that one.

“It is in my family,” said Carter.

“You have family-specific traditions as well?”

“Sure.” Carter gave her MRE an unimpressed glance. Personally, Jack thought the beef tips were as close to decent as MREs came, but she wasn’t a fan. “And these specials have been one of my favorites as long as I can remember. I can show them to you if you’d like.”

Teal’c nodded more solemnly than claymation really called for. “Thank you. I would appreciate the opportunity.”

“When it comes to Christmas movies, give me _Die Hard_ ,” said Jack.

“But, sir, that’s not a Christmas movie.”

It figured she would be one of those people. “It’s definitely a Christmas movie. It takes place on Christmas Eve.”

Carter remained unmoved. “It’s about defeating terrorists. That has nothing to do with Christmas.”

“It’s full of Christmasy quotes. Daniel, back me up here.”

This got him a slightly guilty look which meant nothing but trouble. “Actually, I agree with Sam. Though I’ve only seen the second half.”

“First of all, you need to see the whole movie. Second of all, it’s a Christmas movie.”

“Is that supposed to be a convincing argument?” asked Daniel.

Jack stabbed a beef tip and pointed it for emphasis. “It’s about a man hoping Christmas magic will reunite him with his estranged wife.” Which, he knew from experience, did not always work, but that was beside the point. “It’s Christmas Eve and a Christmas party. How much more Christmasy can you get?”

“Who has an office party on Christmas Eve, anyway?” asked Carter.

“I don’t know. I’ve never worked for a multinational corporation.” Though he was pretty sure Carter was right about that much. Didn’t mean the rest of her argument held water.

“Nobody does,” said Daniel. “It’s an action movie, Jack.”

“It’s a _Christmas_ action movie.” The best kind of Christmas movie, once you outgrew the North Pole flicks. “If nobody has office parties on Christmas Eve, and it wasn’t supposed to be a Christmas movie, why not make it any other day?”

Teal’c looked at them like he had to consider the possibility they’d all gone off the deep end.

“A Christmas movie has certain themes,” Daniel told their Jaffa teammate.

“And defeating terrorists isn’t on that list,” added Carter.

“That is a worthy pursuit,” said Teal’c. “Regardless of the day.”

“Sure. That doesn’t mean it’s a Christmas movie,” said Carter. Obviously there would be no convincing her.

Jack hoped he could predispose Teal’c to agree with him. “Look, if the hero writes, ‘Now I have a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho,’ I don’t know why this is up for debate.”

The big guy got it. “Is that not what your Santa Claus says?”

“Exactly.” At least someone else on this team made sense.

“Yes, nothing screams Christmas like machine guns,” said Daniel.

“Hey, that machine gun was a Christmas miracle.”

“Your culture seems very fond of miracles this time of year,” noted Teal’c. “I find the application of the term arbitrary.”

“It is very subjective,” agreed Daniel.

“As is the definition of a Christmas movie, apparently.”

“No, Carter and Daniel are just wrong.”

Teal’c quirked an eyebrow as if to ask how often both of them were wrong about something. Well, there was a first time for everything, and this was it.

“It really comes down to how you define a Christmas movie,” said Daniel. Now he was getting all philosophical on them, and Jack stifled a groan. Daniel was an undisputable genius. He was also prone to academic musings whether they were called for or not.

It didn’t help that Teal’c had decided to take an interest in this new facet of human culture. “What are the possible requirements?” he asked.

Daniel and Carter launched into the topic with frankly more enthusiasm than Jack would’ve expected from either of them over pop culture. Dammit, that was Jack’s realm. They had the science, history, engineering, and languages covered already, so it was kinda rude to barge in on his area of expertise.

At least nobody was shooting at them.


End file.
